The Honk Heard Across The Galaxy
by KaiserKris
Summary: Jade and Rose are super-geniuses and have built the Intergalactic Communications Protocol (with the help from a very helpful device called a YIFF) and plan to use it to message the Troll Nebula. John and Dave both have unresolved crushes on the girls (and frankly, the girls do on each other too!). Also, there are trolls. And bad puns. And slightly outdated references. Huzzah!


It was a big day for Jade Harley! Today she was going to participate in the official test run of the Intergalactic Communications Protocol! She'd rehearsed the procedures so many times that she could remember it forwards and backward and turnways and she'd made sure to have a nap so she didn't have that silly problem with falling asleep. Because that wouldn't do today- she and Rose were going to launch a communications signal beyond the Milky Way galaxy for the first time in history. Of course, it was unlikely that anyone would hear them, immediately anyway, but it would be an amazing technological leap if it could work.

Technically, of course, the ICP was Dr. Scratch's invention, but the truth was that he had acted in a primarily supervisory role as Jade and Rose had worked to actually construct it, using all of the most current knowledge and, to be honest, some that hadn't existed before they'd started work on it!

Of course, she wouldn't get to do that if she didn't get out of bed and get dressed, so she wrenched herself out of her bed and quickly saw to her daily ablutions and dressing. As she finished buttoning up her labcoat, her phone began to vibrate.

 _Who's trying to text me?_ Jade thought to herself as she flipped open the phone.

 **wow, i bet youre excited about your big day!**

 **of course i am john! :B but its roses big day toooo!**

 **i know! i already gave her my congratulations. you guys are such mad geniuses!**

 **haha we might just have to become supervillains! I'll kidnap some of those kids you look after and um, make you, um, take care of bec!**

 **ill stop your dastardly plan yet (hehehe)**

 **thank you, though, john! i gotta run to the university though!**

Closing the phone, you hastily grab a granola bar, not typically being one to have enough time in the morning for a proper breakfast. But that's okay, you can always avail yourself of the many delicious offerings of the English University cafeteria! You're especially fond of the tapioca pudding. It's so edible. So completely adequate for human consumption. In your haste, you neglect your phone and another message that pops up!

 **hey babe guess todays the day you earn that nobel prize**

 **whelp time for you to go kick some ass for science**

 **talk to you soon jade**

You'll open the phone on the bus and grin goofily through the whole ride. _So cool._ It was just as well that you're oblivious to most of the outside world, because you were seated next to a man who insisted on giving his wife notice of their impending divorce, loudly, on a cellphone next to you. Had you have bothered to listen in on the conversation or noticed him in any way, you would have been completely disgusted. How shameful and uncool.

So it is with a sunny disposition unscarred by her experience with public transport and the inhumanity of your fellow man that you blithely lass-scamper out of the excessively crowded, noisome bus, practically skipping your way to the university. Unknown to you there is a very bad man in an alley waiting to mug you, but fortunately your dog comes to the rescue!. Your teleporting dog. That is smarter than most (all?) people. But you don't know that Becquerel saved you. Just like the other six times he's helped you out. As a consequence, you don't believe Rose when she looks at you in utter horror for having walked through the neighbourhood! Okay, it's a little rundown, but it's totally safe and not actually America's fourth-most dangerous slum.

You continue on her way to English University, swiping your student card at the door of the Faculty of Science and stepping into its grandiose, bizarrely green and white halls. Why someone had thought that lime green marble was an appropriate design choice is beyond you, or indeed, that lime green marble even existed. But it was silly to critique the architecture of English University, because there was little you can do to change it! Well, maybe if you become President one day, but one step at a time! The ICP beckons!

Reaching the end of the hallway, you are just about to step in the elevator when you remember that you forgot to check your mail! And furthermore, that the story is about to experience a perspective shift! Hoorah! You like being the star of the story, but you also like sharing the spotlight with your best ever girlypal! So take it away, Rose!

BE ROSE:

You are now Rose Lalonde and today is the day that you and your intrepid friend Jade Harley make scientific history. Unlike Jade, you have awakened early and have seen fit to make yourself a filling and nutritious breakfast of soft-boiled eggs, toast and fruit. You have seen fit to tear off pieces of buttered toast and dip it into the soft innards of the delicately prepared chicken ovae. You wash down this breakfast feast with French-pressed coffee and freshly-squeezed orange juice. You are a discriminating young woman and you demand that your beverages be firmly compressed in some manner before use. As you leisurely consume your breakfast, you notice that someone is sending you an instant message on the computer.

 _John, you charming young man,_ you think to yourself with a combination of self-satisfaction and what you are positively certain is not the verdant flush of a schoolgirl. You are twenty years old and are nearly completed your master's degree and will not engage in such silly shenanigans over such an old friend as Mister Egbert.

hey rose! so i guess this is the big day, huh?

Indeed. Today, Miss Harley and I shatter all previously known scientific paradigms.

miss harley! it sounds like one of those old-timey novels you read …

Old-timey novels. I love that you can actually say things like that without a whit of irony.

rose! :p but anyway, i just wanted to say good luck and i hope things go awesome. which they will. oh and there miiight be a surprise in your mailbox at the university!

You've aroused my curiosity now. Shall it be a fulsome declaration of your eternal love? Oh John, please let it be. I've waited for you so long.

roooooose! bluh! don't be silly!

Hm. I assume it's a prank. Truth is, I will probably laugh in a most undignified manner and Jade will wonder what dark being of the night has possessed me.

you'll just have to find out!

Doubtless, I shall. I should depart for school, though. Talk to you soon, John.

You try not to giggle while you chat with him. Thankfully, no one except for your cat Jaspers hears your utter failure in doing so. He is a mercifully silent partner to your abject humiliation- though it appears his silence must be bought at the price of being scritched. He also appears to be quite bold about making his demands, as he has leaped onto the table. It is fortunate for you both that he is soft and lovely and purrs delightfully with your expression of affection. It makes the blatant solicitation of bribery much easier to ignore.

After a moment or two of this charming display of the bond between a young woman and her cat, you realize that it is nearly time to depart for the university. Unlike Miss Harley, you do not have the protection of a teleporting canine, so you wisely opt to take a bus route that doesn't take you through the fourth-most dangerous neighbourhood in the developed world. However, that safety is made at the sacrifice of nearly half an hour of time and greater exposure to wider humanity. You find yourself seated next to a nervous-looking young woman. It is mere moments before you have sympathetically listened to her dilemma regarding her boyfriend and gently suggested that an intelligent, lovely young woman could clearly do better. The therapist strikes again.

Coming up to English University, you boldly stride into what is the most ridiculously fucking ugly building you've ever seen. Surely this shade of bright green marble is unnatural. And only the heir to a vast empire of lunatics would have thought felt floors appropriate for anything. Indeed, it looks far more like the set to some bizarre psychedelic film than what should be a sober scientific institution. But English University has let you done serious research into worthwhile topics, whereas other universities would assuredly have you marking first-year papers. And expecting you not to give them all Fs.

It would be appropriate, of course, for you to note in your mind, that the ICP was not primarily your project. You have your own primary field of interest in dream research, particularly in lucid dreams, which lies comfortably with your interest in the occult and supernatural- but only the most unimaginative and frankly stupid person would pass up the opportunity to assist Jade Harley in scientific endeavours. While you are quite satisfied with your intellectual superiority over the general mass of the population, you are frankly awed by the sheer magnitude of Jade's theoretical and practical intelligence. If Harley could simply learn to organize herself a little better, you firmly believe that she would become the new go-to mental image for when ordinary people are forced to consider genius. She'd certainly make a far more comely cultural symbol than Albert Einstein.

You decide that you'd rather not further explicate your gigantic platonic girlcrush on Jade at this moment and instead, you go off to the mailbox to see what elaborate prank that John has prepared for you. Opening the mailbox, you are immediately assaulted by some manner of spring-loaded snake, causing you to unceremoniously land on your behind.

 _Well-played Egbert._

Picking yourself up, you notice that there's something else in the mailbox. It appears to be a package from Mr. Strider, judging by the wrapping paper composed of prints of his meticulously abysmal webcomic. You never can keep straight which one is Sweet Bro and which one is Hella Jeff … in any case, you gently open the package so as to spare the JPEG artifact-ridden heroes mutilation to reveal … a 2-liter bottle of pink-coloured Faygo.

You read the note.

intergalactic communications prototypes how do they work

\- dave

You shiver with delight at such masterful trolling. You feel an odd sort of privilege for knowing a man capable of such elegantly planned, skillfully executed stupidity. In his own way of course, it was incredibly sweet and she would of course thank him profusely for the kind provision of a beverage for what would certainly turn out to be long, thirsty hours. Dave was such a thoughtful soul, really. You also wonder, vaguely, if Faygo is actually fit for human consumption.

Gently placing the Faygo back in its container, you leave the mailroom, ambling down the long hall to an appropriately ostentatious elevator door. You decide that, rather than merely being some psychedelic disaster, that English University was actually designed by Albert Speer after flagrantly overdosing on LSD. Surely no other architect could have conceived something so epic in scale and hideous in execution. Opening the door, you come face to face with Miss Harley and promptly, the perspective switches back to her.

= BE JADE

You are now Jade Harley and if you were not lovingly cradling Dave's totally awesome, so completely and absolutely cool present you would hug Rose! Nevermind that you are pretty sure that Faygo is radioactive and that the Insane Clown Posse are the worst band of all time, the point is that Dave was sweet enough to give a good luck present! And it's completely true that the abbreviation you so lovingly slaved over for your big project is the same as that of the horrid rappers! And the Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff paper! It referenced your favorite one of the comics! Not that you've ever tried to put jelly on a hot god, you mean, hot dog.

And it looks like Dave got her one too! _So cool._ Though maybe, just maybe, a teeny tiny part of you wishes that he'd got one for you and you alone. It's a very small part of you, though, because you're not naturally the jealous type and of course Dave would get both of his best girlyfriends a goodluck present before their big experiment. And equally obviously, John would try some zany prank! You remind yourself to ask Rose about that, because she probably thought it was so funny. Not to expose any secrets of hers inside your head, but you're pretty sure she has a bit of a thing for John. Not that you would know anything about having a massive crush on boys! No sir!

Anyways, you have a lot of more pressing things to talk about than boys. If you were as meta-aware as Rose usually was, you'd also be thinking something about the Bechdel Test and that it really ought to be satisfied quite early on, especially since the main characters are both girls! But you're a girl who tends to live in the moment, so you set aside any contemplation of the gender politics of the narrative and simply talk to your friend about the activation of the ICP.

are you as nervous as i am?

Exceedingly. But if I have faith in anything, it is in your ability to manage the process and deliver results.

roooose!

We're going to do this, Miss Harley. We're going to make this happen.

You can't hug her, so you settle for kissing her on the cheek. She just smiles warmly, so you assume that she understands the gesture as a hug substitute!

so we're going to be focusing the signal on the troll nebula, partly because if we can penetrate that far into intergalactic space, we can send a signal virtually anywhere! and in real time!

The distances in question, I must admit, somewhat boggle the mind. Millions of light years. And yet, if anyone was on the other side, we could potentially converse with them as easily as we can with John or Dave, who live a mile away from me.

i doubt we'll actually get to talk to anyone. i mean, being able to send the signal alone is a massive advancement. but it does make it more likely that we can make contact with an alien civilization in the future. we can target the communications at earth-like planets! actually, if this works, we can probably modify the wavelength to serve as a radio telescope and observe the universe, not filtered through millions of years of light transmission, but as it's happening!

You're going to change the world forever.

we are going to change the world foreverrr! stop talking like you didn't work on this too!

Mostly by acting as a second opinion and helping to organize and rein in your wild brilliance.

i could never have done it without you! we're the best team!

Amen, sister.

You actually set down the package so you can bestow upon your partner the appropriate hug.

BE ROSE:

When you and Jade get off of the elevator on the 16th floor, she somewhat hesitantly lets go of you and the two of you walk into the ICP lab, which Dr. Scratch graciously allowed you to redecorate into something bearing resemblance to sanity. Because frankly, you doubt your ability to work amid acid-damaged Nazi architecture- you like to think you've subdued it into mere Stalinism. It's still hideous but at least the colours do not have emetic effects. But any such extended commentary on your valiant efforts to restore some sense of sanity to the decor is quite beside the point. You are busy young women of science, and today, you will make history. Or rather, you will facilitate Jade's making of history.

Right now, though, there is an enormous amount of work to be done and the two of you set down to it. While Jade calibrates the ICP to be able to send a signal towards the Troll Nebula, you commission yourself responsible for making sure all the software for actually sending the signal is in working order. Much to your delight and relief, it appears to be. If something had been wrong, they wouldn't be able to do the test today and you know for a fact that Jade has a lot riding on the schedule. The alignment is perfect today and it's unlikely to be workable for another month yet. Which is why you are determined to make sure this works for her. You make a frown of determination to prove just how determined you are to no one in particular.

While you have little doubt that you two will be able to send a signal into the Troll Nebula, you're far more skeptical about actually being able to reach anyone. There is an earth-like planet in the vicinity but that is far from a guarantee that anyone is there, much less that they are capable of listening. In any case, you suspect that the initial signal would strike them as being unusual. What you also know is that Dave must never become aware of the fact that the ICP honks.

have you finished the diagnostic on the software?

Just about. Everything looks to be in order for our test this evening.

it looks like we'll have everything other than the final calibration finished by two o' clock. so we're going to have to … sit here for awhile! because we can't really leave.

It's fortunate then that we can arrange to have food delivered to us, isn't it?

let's get indian! :D

Your wish is my command, Miss Harley.

i can order iiiit!

You're also in a better position to handle an immediate crisis than I am. Allow me to take care of the petty details of our sustenance.

i wish john and dave could come see the ICP activate! it feels a little wrong to do this without them. :(

I cannot say that I disagree. We will have to celebrate your dazzling success with them at the earliest possible opportunity.

absolutely! well, i guess we'd better get back to work!

And back to work you go. It's not long before you're forced to break for lunch and watch with amusement as Jade fills a heaping bowl full of tapioca pudding. As for you, you were wise enough to have packed a brown bag lunch- you've learned long ago that "adequate" was a rare and exalted descriptor for the protein slurries and piping hot grubloaf (or at least that's what you like to imagine it as in occasional flights of fancy) typically served in the Cafeteria. You reason that if the architecture is fascist, then it is at least appropriate that the nutritional offerings be similarly oppressive.

With food remorselessly crammed down your gullet, it's time for both of you to get back to work. As you go into the elevator, your cellphone vibrates. You nonchalantly flip it open, wondering if it's John or Dave. Or perhaps that young man whom is convinced that he is your destined soulmate. Or maybe he just wants to go out for coffee. You don't have time for such young men. You're a busy woman.

so todays your big dayyy

im so fuckin prod 4 u

*prud

*prude

Hello Roxy.

mai little sister makin sciencsh

I see you've been drinking again.

preshent tense

*present

im drinkin right noww

toastin my little sister

I appreciate the sentiment, Roxy. You should probably stop drinking, though. If you desist from drinking now, you should be tolerably sober by the time you need to work at 8 pm. There's leftover curry and rice in the fridge.

u r the best

luv uu little sis

go make some awesome scienxr

*sexence

*sexings

See you soon, Roxy.

You remind yourself that Roxy means well, despite her ridiculousness. In many ways, she has been a very good big sister and you haven't forgotten the promise you'd made Mother when the two of you moved out. Someone needed to look after Roxy, make sure she sobered up when she had to, clean up after her when she made a mess, pet her hair and hug her tightly when she was sad over some failed relationship or about how she was nothing but a bother for her awesome little sister who was so smart and so responsible. It wasn't a unidirectional thoroughfare of course. It was Roxy who taught you how to dance to bad pop music no matter how much your mind shrieked in horror at the incomprehensibly stupid, hackneyed lyrics- it was Roxy who taught you every dirty joke you know, who … who somehow, without you being able to put your finger on _why,_ finally helped you understand that sometimes it was okay to be a silly girl.

Roxy Lalonde was an colossal pain in the ass, but she was _your_ pain in the ass.

= BE COLOSSAL PAIN IN THE ASS

You are Roxy Lalonde and you are so fucking drunk. Like, you are totally wasted and maybe you should just call in sick, because you are pretty sure you might puke on the manager's shoes if you go to work today. Yeah, calling in sick sounds good. And so does another Tom Collins. You always make the best decisions for yourself. Picking your gin-soaked rump off of the couch, you uneasily stagger over to the phone. Gotta maintain, Roxy. Maybe have a drink first. Steady your nerves.

Hehehe. Look at Jaspers. He's being such a _cat._ Just all warm and soft and purry. You reach out a hand to drunkenly pet him, which he tolerates for precisely five seconds before scampering off. Yeah, he loves you. Taking a moment to steady yourself, you wobble over to the phone and dial your manager's number.

heyyyy baby boss girl …

Oh god. You're calling in sick, aren't you? Because you're drunk off your ass.

i love uuuu janey

Remind me why I tolerate this again?

uuuu love me

were brsties

*besties

*bestest

u can call one of the other workers …

Jane. This is my father's joke shop. I am the sole other employee. You can get your ass over here, even if you seriously just sit in the back room and sing Katy Perry out of tune. You know I don't like closing alone. It's not safe.

i kissed a girl and u liiiiked it

Why would I like that?

;) ;) im wonking at you

*winning

*wanking

Just be here by 8:30, okay? Please? And don't drink any more.

fiiine ill come

Don't drive.

not a problem rose dosnt trust me with car keys ever

I like Rose. Remind me again why my father doesn't hire her.

because weere besties

and rose is like this supermegaultragenius

who is contracting an alien galaxy

*confounding

*consulting

Well … we are best friends. Despite everything. See you soon, Roxy. Be safe.

fine fine see you soon ;) *sexy wonk*

Yeah, Jane's pretty cool despite being a total stick in the mud. You look at your glass and realize that it is far too empty. Surely one or two more of those delicious beverages wouldn't hurt any? It's so nice now that Rose has given up on trying to pour your liquor down the drain. You're totally fine and not at all afflicted with a horrifying addiction. You decide that this revelation calls for another drink, and for some dancing! You promptly turn on some LMFAO and dance like a complete idiot while you pour yourself another drink. Just one. Then you can go be a good worker drone in Janey's Dad's joke shop.

You are so rad, in fact, that this interlude has succeeded in burning off the better part of a day. You feel like it is appropriate now to shift the perspective so you can enjoy your drink and totally not thinking about kissing Jane.

= BE JADE

Things have not gone as well as you'd hoped. Actually, there was a fairly major glitch that occurred a few hours ago, and you had to go and replace the Yzerman Iambic Focus Fabricator. Which is really frustrating, because a YIFF is really hard to come by. Hardly anyone even wants a YIFF! In fact, when you talk about YIFFs in unfamiliar company, they seem to think you are some sort of terrifying pervert. Which is really not the case at all! Even Rose still sometimes snickers when you start talking about YIFFs! They're very important, though, and the ICP would not work without a good YIFF or two.

What all this has to do with an interest you have in anthropomorphic animals is quite beyond you, but in any case, the YIFF has been found and inserted in the right place. And you're finally ready to proceed with the transmission of the signal into the Troll Nebula! Which, even though it's hours later than you'd originally hoped, is still a huge, historic moment! Which you get to share with your best girlypal!

Are you satisified with the YIFF I gave you?

oh yes! it's quite wonderful! hopefully it'll keep yiffing away!

If it fails to maintain maximum yiffage, I'll just have to give you another YIFF.

are you sure you have another YIFF to give me? :p

Any time you require a YIFF, Jade, I will give it to you. What are friends for?

you're not teasing me again, are you?

Heavens, Jade. I am simply talking about providing my good friend with a YIFF when she desires one.

i feel like i'm missing a dirty joke or something!

There's nothing dirty about wanting a YIFF. It's entirely natural and reasonable to desire one. And you must admit, I do give you very good YIFFs.

you do! it's true!

Rose is such a good friend, who really does give you the best YIFFs. But since that particular item is working, you will turn your attention to the simple matter of calibrating all of the software so you can actually send a signal to the Troll Nebula. Hopefully if it does arrive at a habitable planet there will be people who aren't in bed sleeping! How sad would that be to send a signal to an alien race but lose it because nobody was awake? Pretty awful.

You notice that Rose is on the phone, and then remember that it's almost eight o'clock and you haven't eaten anything since you had that bowl of lukewarm tapioca pudding for lunch at noon. You make a complicated hand gesture at Rose, hoping that she interprets it as your desire to have a double order of butter chicken and those cheese naans. Amazingly- and this is probably a testament to just how much time you spend together, she actually seems to understand and makes the order flawlessly. You give her your best grin and she smiles back as she turns the phone off.

Dinner shall be here in about forty-five minutes. Is that enough time to do the calibrations?

it should be! things are almost ready! hopefully the YIFF keeps working!

You swear that when you say that, Rose groans slightly. It's as if there was a joke that was funny for awhile but has been run into the ground and is no longer at all humorous! In any case, you had better get busy because you swear you can already smell the butter chicken! And if you feel really, really brave, you can wash it down with the Faygo that Dave so kindly gave you both! You wonder what green Faygo tastes like. Is it apple? Is it lime? Is it watermelon? Is it radioactive waste? Who knows. Such is the mystery of Midwestern bargain brand soda.

hey rose?

Yes, Jade?

do you think that anyone will be able to hear the ICP?

I don't know. While its ability to project a signal rapidly across vast distances is amazing, actually "hitting" anyone would seem to be a remote prospect. Anything is possible, however.

i've just … well, i've been having these silly dreams

that there will be someone listening! and that they want to be our friends!

One would hope that any extraterrestrial civilization we encountered would be friendly, or at least benign.

no! no of humanity generally! i mean, us! specifically! i feel weirdly certain of this!

As I said previously, anything is possible.

The way Rose smiles at you makes you think that maybe she doesn't think you're nuts. You feel yourself flushing, which is really stupid and embarrassing, because she's been your friend since you were a little wee girl!

I learned a long time ago, Jade, to divorce the possible from the probable. And to accept the possibility, to quote Horatio, that there is more to heaven and earth than can be summed up by science.

i'm not quite so sure of that! but i really appreciate, so much, that you don't just think i'm a silly crazy little girl like almost everyone else does.

Never, Jade.

You just stand there for a moment and smile right back at her before getting back to your work.

= BE ROSE

Do you sincerely believe that you are likely to be contacted by an alien lifeform any time soon, let alone one that wants to meet your friendly acquaintance? Not particularly. And yet, you'd be lying if you hadn't noticed that Jade's dreams have a tendency of coming to pass. And you would also be deceiving yourself if you didn't kind of want to meet an alien. It would be fascinating to find out just how alike, or how different you were. You wonder if they would be bipedal humanoids, like in Star Trek, if they would follow some radically different configuration? Would they even be carbon based?

Of course, for right now, the task before you and Jade is simple enough. You must successfully calibrate and send a signal into the Troll Nebula. Once that had been completed, the two of you could begin to adapt the ICP so it could serve as a radio telescope, allowing for real-time observation of the cosmos. Maybe you would find out that Betelgeuse had already gone supernova. Who knows? It promised to revolutionize astronomy, at the very least, if not the entire course of human history.

You find yourself deeply ambivalent about whether you actually want to be able to contact an alien species. What if they are malevolent? What if they're simply boring? You doubt if either of you are really prepared for the colossal implications of definitively discovering that humanity is not alone in the universe. But the way Jade smiles at you makes it hard to truly dread anything, and instead you find yourself letting out a small chuckle and smiling right back. Maybe you just worry too much. You could learn a lot from being as centered in the present as Jade. Come to think of it, like John.

Your phone vibrates.

 **hey rose! did you get my special present? (hehehe)**

 **I indeed received it. I was quite taken aback by your thoughtfulness and wit. So much so that I quite rapidly found my ass getting intimately acquainted with the floor.**

 **aw, i hope you didn't hurt yourself or anything!**

 **Thankfully the lushness of my womanly curves protected me from injury.**

 **rooooose! you're going to make me blush!**

You're not at all contemplating how completely and utterly adorable that would be. This is not a thing you are doing, not in the very slightest.

 **Blush? Why would you blush at the merest mention of my lush curves? My feminine figure?**

 **roooooose! sheesh, sometimes i swear you're hitting on me or something!**

 **I'm just teasing, John.**

 **well, it's okay. i mean, i guess if i prank you you're allowed to tease me a little …**

 **Well, now that I have your permission … ;)**

 **Imagine instead of an inane emoticon I am winking flirtatiously at you.**

 **okay, you got me! i'm really blushing now!**

 **Whyever would that be, John? It's just me. Rose.**

 **well sure! but i'm pretty sure that winking flirtatiously means flirting**

 **and sure you're my old-school girlypal since forever**

 **but you're also a really pretty girl and geez, Rose, a guy is just gonna blush when a pretty doll- er, beautiful young woman flirts! even if it's just for kidding!**

 **Pretty doll?**

 **yeah, we're starting guys and dolls at the local theatre. i mean, i wouldn't call you a doll otherwise, i'm pretty sure that's sexist or something.**

 **It doesn't sound sexist when you say it, John. Intention is a very important thing.**

 **well then, doll, how's about you and i go down and get some ice cream? maybe tomorrow afternoon. it's been way too long since we chilled. and what better thing to chill with than a frozen dessert?**

 **I'd love to, John. Two o'clock?**

 **sure!**

 **It's a date. ;)**

 **rooooose!**

 **See you tomorrow, John.**

You realize that you've wasted a good ten minutes or so on this tomfoolery, and while Jade would probably be understanding, it is also less than ideal for you to be using up time that is better spent with more important projects. You'll see John tomorrow, anyway. You can continue to harass him then. But you probably won't, because for some reason, whenever you actually meet him, you actually stop all of your silly flirtation and slip into old, easy habits. It's like you're actually a little in love with him but you're also afraid to lose a friendship that means a lot to you. If you didn't know better, you would deem it the same problem that Jade and Dave seem to have.

John called you beautiful.

Against all the dictates of reason, you find yourself blushing, pink as your text. Now would be a good time to shift perspective, you think.

= BE EXTRAGALACTIC LIFE FORM

Your name is Aradia Megido, and you are an alien. But of course, you don't think of yourself as an alien because that is a very homocentric point of view. The truth is that you have never heard of humans, though you would probably like them very much if you had. You call yourself a troll, and you reside in the Troll Nebula, on a planet called Alternia. And right now, you are a very busy trollgirl who is on the verge of a big and important discovery.

You have been working on this site, where it is reputed that the Mirthful Messiahs would issue forth their Vast Honk. Not that you're particularly religious of course- as a good hemohistorian, you know that most religious dogma has roots in actual historical events, filtered and exaggerated through generations of retellings. Fascinating stuff! But not actual literal truth. And of course, you are always aware of the challenges that post-deconstructionist anti-modernism poses to the paradigms of truth itself. It would be nice, though, if opposing schools of historical interpretation would kill each other less often. Honestly, it's kind of a bummer.

But none of that right now! You're a busy woman of history and you and your friends are very near being able to activate this device, which will … then be ready to receive what you believe was the real source of the Vast Honk! An intergalactic communications … thing. A message from aliens in space! How thrilling! You wonder if you will be so blessed as to receive their transmission. It seems unlikely, but since when has the improbability of something ever dissuaded you from anything? Never, is when! An intrepid adventuress like you laughs in the face of probabilities and statistics!

You know that because that's what Troll Indiana Jones does, and he's pretty much your hero and life model. If only you could be so fortunate as to be his sidekick! If only he were actually real.

You look up from your work and see that the two friends you have with you are hard at work! Sollux is calibrating the ancient software, and grumbling adorably the whole time. And Tavros is … well, Tavros is mostly cleaning out some of the accumulated muck. Which is okay! Heavens, you never knew just how much mess that countless centuries of spilled Faygo could really make. The entire place smells vaguely of rotten primary colours and the mixtures thereof, which would be offputting, but for the fact that it smells a lot better than most of the artifacts of the Mirthful Messiahs, which involve a lot of dead, rotting trolls. You mean, it's not that death is such a terrible thing in and of itself, but these weren't folks that were ready for it! They just got murdered, and that's pretty sad.

 **thii2 legendary piiece of 2hiit ii2 almo2t onliine now**

 **s0llux y0u are the best! 0u0**

 **whatever. we'd better get thii2 done 2oon before 2omeone fuckiing notiice2 and we get 2choolfed to 2ubjugglator grub2**

 **y0u are much t00 pessimistic! everything is g0ing t0 be 0kay.**

 **well ii expect well be able to turn thii2 thiing on iin about an hour or so**

 **and then we can probably expect to be kiilled brutally**

 **n0pe! remember we have friends in high places, s0llux.**

 **fuckiing tz ii2 barely even a proper legiislacerator.**

 **gamzee! what about him, he's a subjugglator in training!**

 **great. 2o we have a2 our alliie2 the world2 mo2t iin2ane lawyer and the world2 wor2t 2ubjugglator. good job aa. we're a2 good a2 doomed.**

 **s0llux! we are n0t d00med! d0n't scare tavr0s!**

 **uHH, iT'S OKAY I'M NOT REALLY THAT SCARED, uH, sOLLUX IS JUST TRYING TO OFFER A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE HERE.**

 **a stupid p00pypants perspective!**

 **really aa? poopypant2? that2 the fuckiing 2hiitiie2t attempt at an iin2ult ever.**

 **we are g0ing t0 be 0kay! this is g0ing t0 w0rk! just trust me, 0kay?**

 **iit ii2nt about tru2tiing you. 2ometiime2 2hiit ii2 out of your control. remember that, aa. ii … ii care way too much about you to 2ee your dumb a22 get kiilled.**

 **well let's get t0 w0rk! and y0u w0n't have t0 w0rry ab0ut my ass!**

This tomfoolery goes on for a long time. You suspect that your attention would be better spent on the planet Earth, for now.

= BE JADE

You are Jade now and you're almost there, finally! It was so nice of Rose to order you both some food, and it was really timely beacuse you've basically had to sit and wait for the last few hours anyway. Speaking of Rose, a few hours ago, she was sure blushing pretty hard over something? What was it? Was it a BOY? Hmm! It probably was. Rose is super-pretty and gets a lot of texts from boys. Though usually she doesn't blush about them- she's either sort of blase about them or she frowns or promptly shows you the ridiculousness. Sometimes they send naughty pictures and Rose writes eloquent replies about their personal and anatomical deficiencies. You're pretty sure you'd just freak out and change your number or something if a boy ever did that to you.

But now that the delicious butter chicken and naan is all eaten, it's time to get back to work! The ICP is almost ready to go! You turn to you esteemed compatriot and she gives you the thumbs up.

 **i almost can't believe we're actually going to do this! we're gonna do this, rose! :D**

 **We are going to make this event transpire.**

 **engage the yiff!**

 **The YIFF is engaged. Yiffing at maximum capacity.**

 **wow, we're yiffing really hard!**

 **Mm, we certainly are. And we shall yiff more before the night is through.**

Once more you suspect that you are missing something! But that is completely unimportant next to the fact that in the next few minutes, you about to start up the ICP! T-minus five minutes! You have to remember to breathe. There's really nothing to do now but wait. Rose sidles up next to you and you feel her hand give yours an encouraging squeeze. You squeeze back and wait. Four minutes.

 **rose, this could be the biggest moment of our lives!**

 **It very well could be. I'm glad to be able to spend it with my best friend.**

 **rooose!**

Sometimes when Rose is all sweet with you, you can't help but blush. You can't help it! You're a blushy person, just like John! Rose and Dave don't blush nearly as often. It's a little unfair, you think.

 **do you wish john and dave could be here too? it seems a little unnatural for them not to be here!**

 **…** **I do. I have to admit I feel their absence acutely. It's been the four of us for most our lives, hasn't it?**

 **well, we'll have to tell them everything! and celebrate afterwards! sometime!**

 **Of course. But I also think they would dislike you letting that ruin the moment for you. This is your time, Jade, your triumph. You're about to achieve something Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking could have scarcely dreamed of.**

 **three minutes!**

You end up hugging each other and watching the countdown. What if something goes wrong now, with just over two minutes left? What if the YIFF stops? What if the ICP is a colossal failure? You don't think English University would let you build another ICP. You know quite well that a lot of people don't think there should be an ICP at all. But as the timer goes down below sixty seconds, all semi-rational thought dissolves into a puddle of anticipation and anxiety. You're shaking with it all, and so is Rose, just a little.

Thirty seconds. You let out an incoherent noise that does nothing at all to vent your intense emotions. Then it's down to twenty seconds and you feel your legs start to buckle and sway. This is the product of two years of work and a lifetime of strangely-focused study! It has to work! It really just has to work! Rose is a little steadier on her feet and keeps you steady. Ten seconds. Your mouth goes dry. The YIFF is yiffing away. It won't hold up yiffage much longer. The ICP is going to activate … five seconds … four … three … two … one …

= BE DAVE

You're pretty sure you just heard a fucking honk. Holy Jegus fuck.

END PART ONE


End file.
